The Lone Wolf, pt. II: Friendless

So. These past few weeks have been a doozy. Finally gotten all the furniture in, new boyfriend, busier at work, etc… but I realized I have a very limited social circle because I’m tired of people treating me like crap and my ounces of forgiveness seem to have dried up.

I’m wondering if it’s okay to be so alone as long as you’re not surrounded by people who seem to take you for granted, or treat you badly, and spin your insecurities around on you to hurt you. I have self esteem issues, yes, but that shouldn’t be used as a weapon against me… right?

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: The Lone Wolf Syndrome strikes again. 

I’ve been fighting with someone, who I’ve been friends with for years, for quite a few months now because I’m realizing we are starting to have totally different values, or so it seems. This person keeps negative people in her life, but complains quite often to me about them about how they treat her badly, instead of letting them go, shall we say. But the minute I get upset, it turns into a defensive passive-aggressive screamo match of hypocrisy. I said a lot of mean things. I hate that I did. But they were honest. Is it worth it? Is it worth it to fight for a friend’s self-respect by disagreeing with her behavior to keep so many negative people who’ve treated her like crap in her life, and to mourn them when they’re gone?

I guess I am just no longer the person to do that. Call it unforgiving, or mean, or heartless, or whatever. I’ve been called worse and have made a lot of enemies over the years when I try to speak up for myself or declare what I think is wrong. Perhaps my statue of values is a bit too firm in the ground for some people. But I’m tired of feeling like crap when I know I’m a good person, a strong woman, who confronts and tries to address issues rather than overlook them and continue to take the onslaught of disrespect that follows suit. If I don’t respect myself, who will? And how can I respect someone, whose values sit in embedding oneself in a negative social circle, casting out those who’ve been there, for what reason I may never understand?

So I’m clueless right now. But I know what feels right. This overwhelming sense of peace came over me after I was able to tell her yesterday that if she wanted to give up on this, because I was able to finally voice all these hard feelings and “tell her her shit,” and that if she instead give so much more forgiveness and patience to guys that lead her on or flakes or drunks while casting me out, then she should feel free.

Sure, being alone can suck. It’s lonely, hence the similar etymological roots. But right now I can only hope that I’ll be stronger for it in the long run, and that I’ll find people who like me for who I am, while liking themselves; people who are able to know that I’m a good person, a worthwhile person, despite my (sometimes brutal) honesty, or BECAUSE of my honesty, should I say.

For now, I’ll refocus on the rest of my super hectic life.

Has anyone else been through this?

Jo

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